After I'd finished my blog yesterday. I did manage to some of my Uni work, Hooray! Then when I was trying to get to sleep (horrible insomnia) I started to think about whether it was procrastination or confidence or both.
Much as people think I am, I've never really been a confident person hiding behind a facade. I always wanted to be an actor but I'm pretty shy really (I can hear all my friends laughing at that comment). I think it's why I enjoyed working in hospitality, I sort of made the restaurant my stage, being the comedian and trying to make people laugh. I thought I was funny anyway, no matter what other people think.
So back to my thoughts while I was trying to get to sleep last night. Is it procrastination (I love that word) or is it confidence. I remember writing a blog a few years ago when I drove to Spain on one of my adventures and it seems that the people who read it, really enjoyed it. Now I am, as I said in my last post doing a degree in Creative Writing, but for some reason I don't think what I write is good enough. Like most things in my life, I've never thought I was good enough. Why is this do you think? Is it because of my child hood? Is it because a lot of my life I've taken things personally and felt put down by certain people who have come into my life? or maybe I don't feel my tutors give me enough or constructive feedback? I know on my course there are some very good writers who I feel intimidated by, not by them personally but by what they write!
I remember when I decided to start the course. I'd been through a lot in my life over the last few years, illness, death, loss of friends and it really shook me up. So, I decided I was going to do something for me, something I wanted to do. So I found a course I was interested and found out when the open day was at the University and off I nervously trotted. While I was on the bus I was getting more and more nervous. What the hell am I doing I thought to myself, 45 and going to University to do a degree? I'll never be able to do it. And that's my problem. No confidence or belief in myself. That's wrong. I find myself now like I said procrastinating because of the confidence issue. I need to get over it and get on with it. Onwards and upwards they say. Lets see what happens. You never know until you try and if you never try you never know. So get on with it!
Bye for now.